I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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