Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
