I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
we should paint friendship bongs
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
