I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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