why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
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Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
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I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
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