"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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