I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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