Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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