I will die if light touches me.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Randomize
