remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
