Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
