My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Randomize
