Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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