i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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