Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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