I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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