Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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