i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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