mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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