the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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