were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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