In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
