PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
