i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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