Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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