She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
