I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
