I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
as a side note pls kill me
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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