if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
