Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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