My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I will pee on everything he values.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
