dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
