i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
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My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
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Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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