I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
