I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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