Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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