dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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