Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
