i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Randomize
