when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
