Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
