I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
