I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
