Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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