Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
