He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I love you.
Bad choice
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
