just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
