My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Alive.
So much puke
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
