Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
