They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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