Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
