So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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