he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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