i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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