Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
