I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
